Musings from my Couch during a Pandemic

If variety is the spice of life, we are all living some bland lives right now.  No wonder people are
losing it. 
Seriously, humans are built to crave new experiences. We all have the need for adventure,
however small those adventures may be. This innate curiosity and drive to explore is what has
led to some of the greatest discoveries of mankind.

It doesn’t help us much in our current circumstances, though.

For some people, the Pandemic itself was novelty enough...at least at first.  Our daily lives
were interrupted.  We had to stock up on necessities and plan for a lasting isolation and people
got right on board with that.  There were shortages of toilet paper and hand sanitizer as
everyone flocked to the grocery stores to make sure they had enough.

Then there was the mask-making.  Anyone who could sew had a job and a purpose.  Skills that
had seemed undervalued just a short time ago were suddenly needed, as were all those
fabric scraps no one knew what to do with.

Many people suddenly found themselves out of work, maybe for the first time in their lives. 
All those projects that had been put on the back burner because there was never time to
get to them finally could be done.

Still others found themselves learning to be teachers to their children, struggling to keep their kids
focused and to help them understand math that had changed considerably since the new
teachers had been students.

For those workers deemed essential, some are fortunate to be able to work from home (like me)
while others are forced to put themselves in a potentially dangerous situation every day just to
earn a paycheck. Either way, there’s not much in the way of entertainment to be had
at the end of the day.

No matter what your circumstances, I think it’s safe to say the novelty has worn off.  People are
bored with the monotony of Pandemic life, and boredom is a very dangerous thing to humans.

There is an old adage that idle hands are the devil’s playthings. There is a reason for that.

Humans don’t do well when every day looks much like the one before it.  We need something
to look forward to.  We need something different to happen.  And just as children will act out
and behave badly to get attention, adults will often make poor decisions just to change things up.

If you’ve ever read a book by Chuck Palahniuk, you know what I’m talking about.

Everyone is bored.  Everyone’s life has been upturned. Everyone has been inconvenienced in some
way.  We all have different levels of tolerance for disappointment and boredom, just as we all have
different ways of coping with the anxiety and fear that comes along with all of this.

If you are feeling the need to run, screaming and maskless, into a crowd of people...you are not alone. 
You are not crazy. 

Humans are programmed to act.  When there is a problem, we go out and look for a solution. 
We do something to fix the problem.  We improvise.  We learn.  We create.

We are now being asked to sit and wait.  To be patient.  To do nothing.  On the surface, this
sounds easy.  Just sit there.  Watch TV.  Read a book.  Go for a walk.  What could be simpler?

As it turns out, it’s not that easy.

It goes against human nature to do nothing, especially in the face of danger, and right now there is
danger all around us.  Danger of getting sick, or of losing loved ones.  Danger of not being able to pay
bills and support ourselves.  Danger of losing the things we have spent a lifetime building.

It’s natural to panic.  It’s natural to try to make something happen, to grasp at solutions and
even to leap in the wrong direction like a squirrel zig-zagging across a highway. 
But don’t be the squirrel. Don’t end up splattered on the pavement.

Take a deep breath. Remind yourself that this too shall pass.

I could give you a list of creative ways to pass the time, but I’m sure you’ve come up with your own
ideas and possibly run out and started over two or three times by now.  I’m not here to preach, just to
remind you that sometimes what is in our nature does not serve our best interest.  We will get through
this.

And here’s what I’ve got planned for today:  

1. Do a little writing.  -Check that off my list.  Whew!

2. Charge my earbuds so I can go for a walk.  -Charging as I write.  This is great! 
Look at me doing stuff!

3. Listen to the birds.  - I have the sliding door open even though it’s chilly out.  I love just sitting
in the quiet and listening to the birds.  

4. Make some masks.  Masks will be part of our fashion for a while now, so I may as well
make myself some fun ones.  Maybe I’ll even do a fashion show for my Facebook friends when
I get them done.  Maybe my Facebook friends will do it, too.  That would be fun, if we all had
little fashion shows from our own homes, like when we were kids and would play dress-up and
march out in the living room for our parents to admire our newest creations…

5. Make a top secret project that I want to give to someone as a gift but I don’t know if I can pull it
off or not so I don’t want to say anything about it yet...but it’s rattling around in my brain.

6. Go for a walk.  My ankle is still unstable and I really want to hike this summer.  I need to start
moving.  Period.

7. Make bread.  To be honest, I say this to myself every day and then don’t do it.  I love homemade
bread but I am lazy.

8. Read. I read Wool by Hugh Howey recently and I really liked it so I bought Shift, the next
book in the series, but I haven’t had a chance to read much of it yet.  Hoping to get into it more
this weekend.

9. Scour Facebook for funny memes to share with my friends.  Let’s face it.  This is what I
waste most of my time doing.

10. Try to get pictures of the birds in my backyard.  Why are the Robins the only ones
willing to pose?  And why am I so disinterested in Robins?

11.  Write and illustrate a children’s book. My friend Anthony LaFauci just did it and his
version of the Three Little Pigs is available on Amazon.  It’s really well done.  You should buy it.
I’ve had an original children’s book idea rattling around in my brain for literally years and
haven’t done anything with it.  Now he has inspired me and maybe I will finally get around
to doing it.

12. Edit some of my friend Lee Gooden’s writing that he sent to me about 100 years ago
that I haven’t gotten around to doing yet.  It’s still at the top of my unread emails, mocking me,
making me feel increasingly guilty every time I delete all my spam emails and see his name
in bold...lurking...staring me down…

13. Edit some pictures for my dad.

14. Edit some pictures for my Planet Jodi page and load up next week’s posts.  If you aren’t
following Planet Jodi yet,  why not?  I like it when people like my photography.  Is that so
wrong?  I’m kinda like Tinkerbell like that.  I just need a little encouragement sometimes.
Besides, it gives me an excuse to relive some of my favorite travel memories.

15. Plan all the vacations I will take someday in the future when we can all travel freely again.
I love making travel plans and there are still a lot of places in the world I need to see!

I’m sure I won’t do most of these things and that I will do a lot of nothing, but you never know. 
Today could be the day!

Whatever you choose to do with your day, be safe and make good choices so we can all enjoy
tomorrow together!

Pan(dem)ic



I go for a walk

Trying to clear my head and air out these winterized bones

I watch the ducks floating along the stream beside the path

They are calm, peaceful, letting the water glide over their feathers

And I am like a duck, letting all this slide off me

Continuing along my path, untroubled

But I’m not untroubled

Because yesterday’s troubles still haven’t gone

And today the world has turned inside out

And I walk along, trying to maintain normalcy somehow

And a man jogs past and I wave

Even as I hold my breath, knowing it’s senseless

But each time I pass someone I do it anyway

Wave and hold my breath until they pass

And I think of the ducks and I tell myself to be calm

Just let it all float past

But my ankle aches, and I worry

I watch my footing carefully

What if I fell?  What if I broke my ankle and had to go to the hospital?

It’s not safe

Nothing is safe

And I think of the ducks

And I think of them furiously paddling beneath the calm surface of the water

And I am like a duck

Trying to keep calm outwardly while inside I am paddling furiously

Just trying to stay afloat

New Year's Day

It's been a good year.

It seems strange to say that. I still have issues with trust. I still find it hard to believe that the Universe won't take away everything I love any minute. Experience has taught me that nothing lasts. Maybe that's why I treasure this life so much.

Last year I began a journey of hope. I let people in to my heart and, just like the Grinch, my heart grew to fit them all. That's what love does, it expands. It multiplies. It sometimes hurts and it sometimes makes you laugh with happiness, but it is there below the surface of everything you touch, coloring every experience.

I have so much to lose.

Last year at this time, I hoped for peace within myself.  I hoped to learn to sleep beside someone special and to enjoy the quiet times with him.

I got what I wanted. I like hearing him breathing beside me when I wake in the dark of the night. I like stretching my hand out and resting it against his back, feeling his warmth, and drifting off to sleep. I like the times we just sit in the living room and watch TV or fall asleep to a movie together. I like doing mundane tasks with him...cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, anything that makes me feel we are working toward a common goal together, however small that goal might be.

And then there is this family, this amazing family of his, who have allowed me to become a part of their lives.

Words fail me.

The word "love" is not enough.

I have so much.  I've gained so much.  And I still want so much more.

So this year, I hope to learn to trust.  I hope to overcome my fear and stop living every moment just trying to hold on to what I have. I hope to stretch more, to grow more, to love more, to dare more...to ask for more...to give more.

And to find the words.

You Held Me

Tearing Down the Wall

It's easy to say that 2016 was a lousy year.  So many famous people died.  There seemed to be no end to tragedies in the world.  People everywhere seemed to be so angry and full of hate. And personally, I struggled in a way that made it difficult for me to focus on anything outside of my own head for a lot of the year.

I entered 2016 feeling pretty sure of myself, cocky even.  I had been on my own for a few years and I was totally happy with who I was.  I felt secure.  I felt complete.  I joked about my own reckless independence, about how great it was to not need anyone for anything.  Never tempt the gods.

One day, I woke up and decided that I was ready to start dating again. I reached out, just a little. It felt so simple, so casual, so meaningless.  I was perfectly good on my own, so what harm could it do to invite someone into my life?

Somehow...somehow this one simple decision opened up a crack in a wall that I didn't even know existed.  A wall so big that I had mistaken it for the horizon.

So...other things happened in there.  I lost a bunch of weight and went from a size 18 to an 8.  I finally took up hiking, which is my new love and which I had wanted to do for years. Built myself a cool waterfall in my back yard, as well as a stone wall.  I even traveled to Iceland, all by myself.

Almost everything I did was all by myself.

Always...

And it was starting to weigh on me.  There is an unbearable weight to emptiness.  To loneliness. It is soul crushing to accomplish the things you want most in the world and not have someone beside you...that right someone who will smile at you in a way that lets you know that they get you, they see right through you to your very core.

I have friends, the absolute best friends anyone could ever ask for, and I love each and every one of them and could not have made it this far in life without them.  I am grateful for everything they have done for me, for every time they have listened to me, every time they have been here to pick up the pieces of me...but I think they will understand this need that they could not fill.  This void that no one could fill.

So yeah, I started taking some chances.  I started looking around and talking to guys and flirting, even.  I had some false starts, some practice runs...and then I finally dove in.

I have to admit that the experience has been terrifying and eye opening.

All of the fears that I thought I had gotten past in life came back, bigger than I remembered.  All of the self doubt and second guessing that I thought was behind me was suddenly surrounding me.  The gods heard me laugh, and they exposed my weakness.

I need to care about someone outside of myself.

Simple, right?  But for me, terrifying. Fucking terrifying.

I don't give up control easily. I don't like to let anyone else have control over me. But caring about another human being...that automatically gives them control, which makes me a basket case.

This whole thing...taking a chance on caring about someone...it's a high wire act.  When I started walking the rope it seemed scary, but I thought that once I got moving it would be all right.  Instead, what I've found is that when you get out toward the middle the rope bounces every time the wind blows, and I'm out here without a net.  Part of me wants to turn and run back to safety, but then that stubborn streak of mine kicks in and pushes me forward.  To hell with safety. What good is life if you don't take chances?

I don't know what tomorrow will bring. I don't know if it will be happiness or heartbreak. Either way, there is a hole in the wall...that wall I didn't know existed.  The wall is crumbling in a way that makes me think I will never be able to repair it or rebuild it.  I am coming out of 2016 a different person than I was when I went in. and I'm still not entirely sure of who this new person is.

I'm hoping 2017 will teach me easier lessons, like maybe mastering the ability to sleep in a bed beside another human being, or playing guitar.  Right now, all I really want is to sit on the couch next to a guy whose smile makes me happy and not talk about anything important, to lay my head on his chest and listen to him breathe...and just breathe beside him.  Because in those moments life is good. I forget all my fears and feel a little bit of peace.  So, all you gods, if you're listening...give a girl a break.  Just let me breathe here for a while. With any luck, I won't even notice that wall turning to rubble all around me.

Chum

You know how it is when sharks smell blood in the water?  How they circle?  How they fight each other, growing ever more frenzied trying to get a bite of something good?  When you want to attract sharks, you chum the waters, tossing bloody bait out to bring them in.

Friday night, I was the chum.

I wear my heart on my sleeve.  Sometimes, this is a problem.  Still, I choose to put myself out there, to share my feelings with all of you.  Anyone who wants to look can see me.

So Friday was a rough day for me.  I was nothing but a raw nerve, unable to even make much of an effort to get myself together, and I put it out there for all the world to see, as I do so often, right or wrong.

My plan was just to go out, get drunk, and feel sorry for myself for a few hours.  I think I'm entitled to do that every now and then.  I didn't bother putting on makeup or doing my hair.  I wore jeans and a long sleeved t-shirt.  My eyes were red and puffy.  Basically, I was a hot mess.

At the bar, I hung out with my friends and I drank...a lot.  Trying to maintain a level of drunkenness that kept me from thinking too much.  All I wanted was to drink and dance and go home and pass out.

But somehow, I ended up in a shark tank.

I had put it on Facebook, that a relationship that had barely begun had come to an abrupt end due to some unusual circumstances.  I'm not going to elaborate on that part because it's not my story to tell, but I will say that the guy I was seeing is a good person and I don't fault him one bit.  Quite the opposite, actually.  Which doesn't make it any easier to let go.  I have no righteous anger to deflect the pain.  Just a sense of having lost something that had potential to be really good.

This, apparently, was blood in the water.

I started getting texts and Facebook messages.  Some from friends offering support...others from people masquerading as friends.

If you're not sure which category you fall in, ask yourself if you followed up your sympathy with an attempt to hit on me. 

Yup, apparently there are people out there who see someone in a vulnerable state and think, "Maybe I've got a shot while she's feeling really low". 

At the bar, I repeatedly told one guy that all I wanted was to drink and dance, but he just wouldn't quit.  I enlisted the help of a friend of the guy I had been seeing to get rid of him, too exhausted to deal with him myself at that point.

The "friend" did help me in that respect, but then things took an odd turn.

He asked what the guy I had been seeing had said to me, what he told me, fishing for information.  I told him that he was one of the few people I shouldn't have to explain the situation to and said no more.  I did, however, burst into tears right there on the dance floor.

More blood in the water.

This guy...he actually sat me down at the bar and wiped away my tears and then started trying to get me to take him home, promising me that he would just hold me and be there for me, then offering some very specific sexual favors.  He told me he wanted my number so he could call and check up on me.

I told him I would give it to him, but I never did.  I sat there and I drank and I listened to him for far too long.  I was so lost in that moment, wishing for real comfort and finding only this.  This...disgusting attempt at leveraging my heartache to try to score.

He actually mentioned seeing me at his friend's house the week before.  I wish I could remember everything he said, but I was so very drunk at that point in time and what I do remember is disturbing enough.

There are not enough hot showers in the world to get that kind of ick off.

In the end, I ran out of the bar, literally ran out the door, tossing on my coat as I went.  I kept looking over my shoulder as I walked home, afraid someone would follow me.  Afraid that there was too much blood in the water and the sharks would move in for the kill.

But I made it home safely.  I locked my door and had a good cry before drifting off to sleep.  I hate that feeling of being hunted.  I know too well the terror of the prey as the pack closes in.

I may have been chum, but anyone who makes another human being feel that way is scum.

I'm a Lover, Not a Fighter

I answered my phone today only to find a very angry woman on the other end of the line.  She told me that she had found my number in her "man's" phone, and wanted to know what I was doing with her man and how long it had been going on. 

I was at a bit of a loss.  I've met a few new people recently and I have no idea which one of them she might be referring to.  I tried to ask, but she cut me off, "I'm not finished!" she shouted at me.  I ended up hanging up on her since she didn't seem interested in getting any answers to her questions.

Later, I tried to call her back but she didn't answer.  I left her a message letting her know that if she would just tell me "her man's" name I would be happy to not have anything to do with him since the last thing I want to do is to get involved with someone who is already in a relationship with someone else.  I don't need that kind of drama.

This is not the first time this has happened to me.

The last time was probably twenty years ago, when a friend of mine decided to pass my phone number on to a guy friend of hers without asking my permission.  He never called, but his wife did.  That was weird, since I didn't even figure out how some random guy had my phone number until later and had no idea what she was talking about when she called.

The first time something like this happened...well, that time I deserved it. 

I was sixteen years old and dating a guy who was almost twice my age.  I knew he was engaged.  I didn't care.  In my defense, I was sixteen years old and just coming out of a horrible, abusive relationship.  This guy was nice to me, and that's really all I cared about at the time.

And then, she showed up at my apartment.  Imagine being a sixteen year old jackass and suddenly finding yourself trying to console a thirty year old woman in a fake fur jacket with blue mascara running down her cheeks as she asks, "Why are you doing this to me?"

Honestly, I had no good answer.  I didn't even care that much.  All I could think about was getting this sobbing woman out of my house before my father got home and I was forced to come up with some plausible excuse for what was going on.

Somehow, I did get her out, and soon thereafter I ended the relationship.  I decided then and there that I would never get involved in that kind of mess again.

I don't have any interest in fighting over any guy.  If he wants to be with me, he should be with me.  If he wants to be with someone else, he should go.  If we've decided we're going to see other people, everyone involved should know exactly where they stand.  No mystery.  No drama.  No bullshit. 

This whole dating thing is pretty new to me at this stage.  I'm trying to be as open and honest as I possibly can.  If anything, I think I err on the side of providing too much information right now, but that's okay.  If I make mistakes, it's probably going to be in assuming that the guys I'm talking to are being as honest with me as I am with them.  I don't feel a bit guilty over a lie that someone else told me.  All I want is to put some distance between myself and the person who would do that.

Unfortunately, the woman calling me a bitch on the phone today refused to tell me the guy's name, which does make it difficult for me to ensure that I'm leaving him alone.  But, I don't want to fight over anyone and if I find out who it is, she's welcome to him...not that I understand why she would want a guy she thinks is lying to her and cheating on her.