I'm a Lover, Not a Fighter

I answered my phone today only to find a very angry woman on the other end of the line.  She told me that she had found my number in her "man's" phone, and wanted to know what I was doing with her man and how long it had been going on. 

I was at a bit of a loss.  I've met a few new people recently and I have no idea which one of them she might be referring to.  I tried to ask, but she cut me off, "I'm not finished!" she shouted at me.  I ended up hanging up on her since she didn't seem interested in getting any answers to her questions.

Later, I tried to call her back but she didn't answer.  I left her a message letting her know that if she would just tell me "her man's" name I would be happy to not have anything to do with him since the last thing I want to do is to get involved with someone who is already in a relationship with someone else.  I don't need that kind of drama.

This is not the first time this has happened to me.

The last time was probably twenty years ago, when a friend of mine decided to pass my phone number on to a guy friend of hers without asking my permission.  He never called, but his wife did.  That was weird, since I didn't even figure out how some random guy had my phone number until later and had no idea what she was talking about when she called.

The first time something like this happened...well, that time I deserved it. 

I was sixteen years old and dating a guy who was almost twice my age.  I knew he was engaged.  I didn't care.  In my defense, I was sixteen years old and just coming out of a horrible, abusive relationship.  This guy was nice to me, and that's really all I cared about at the time.

And then, she showed up at my apartment.  Imagine being a sixteen year old jackass and suddenly finding yourself trying to console a thirty year old woman in a fake fur jacket with blue mascara running down her cheeks as she asks, "Why are you doing this to me?"

Honestly, I had no good answer.  I didn't even care that much.  All I could think about was getting this sobbing woman out of my house before my father got home and I was forced to come up with some plausible excuse for what was going on.

Somehow, I did get her out, and soon thereafter I ended the relationship.  I decided then and there that I would never get involved in that kind of mess again.

I don't have any interest in fighting over any guy.  If he wants to be with me, he should be with me.  If he wants to be with someone else, he should go.  If we've decided we're going to see other people, everyone involved should know exactly where they stand.  No mystery.  No drama.  No bullshit. 

This whole dating thing is pretty new to me at this stage.  I'm trying to be as open and honest as I possibly can.  If anything, I think I err on the side of providing too much information right now, but that's okay.  If I make mistakes, it's probably going to be in assuming that the guys I'm talking to are being as honest with me as I am with them.  I don't feel a bit guilty over a lie that someone else told me.  All I want is to put some distance between myself and the person who would do that.

Unfortunately, the woman calling me a bitch on the phone today refused to tell me the guy's name, which does make it difficult for me to ensure that I'm leaving him alone.  But, I don't want to fight over anyone and if I find out who it is, she's welcome to him...not that I understand why she would want a guy she thinks is lying to her and cheating on her.

Hard to Keep

Many years ago...many, many years ago...a guy named Dick said to me, "I get it now.  You're not hard to get.  You're hard to keep.  Hard to earn."  Those words resonated with me.  I don't think that anyone in a position to know has ever said anything as true about me. 

I'm not hard to get.  I don't feel the need to play games or make someone jump through hoops for a chance with me.  If I find something to like about you, you have a chance.  The thing is, it's just as easy to blow that chance as it was to get it.

I'll put up with a little bit of bullshit at the beginning.  I'll make allowances.  Tell myself a story to make you come out looking better than you should.

But it's not long before I hit the point where I prefer to just cut my losses and walk away.

I asked my dad recently, "What's wrong with guys?" and he said, "They're just trying to get in your pants".  "But they're so bad at it," I replied.

Most guys blow it within minutes.  They can't seem to help saying or doing something stupid.  One guy actually said to me, "You look like you give good blow jobs".  "Funny, so do you", I said.  What did he expect for a response?  Really???

So anyway, here I am, trying to give someone a chance.  He made it a short distance without blowing it, but he's probably on the verge of goodbye already.  Which is okay.  I may as well put a stop to it before I have anything invested emotionally. The thing is that it's the emotional investment I actually crave. I want someone to show me that they're worth the effort.

I'm just no damn good at playing games.  And I'm definitely not into waiting for a guy to get good and ready to make a move.  I say what's on my mind.  I go after what I want.  I want someone equally honest and open and willing to take a chance.  Maybe some guys are intimidated by that?  I don't know.

All  I know is that I've been single for a long time now, and I'm ready to try.  I'm ready to put myself out there, to get rejected, to screw up and even to fall for the wrong guy.  I'm ready to get my heart broken, and even to take a chance on hurting someone else's feelings.  It's all part of the territory.

Ultimately, I want to find someone else to love. Someone else who will love me.  Someone who will understand that I'm not hard to get, but that I'm worth the effort to keep.  Someone who will put themselves out there and let me know that they're thinking about me.  Someone who can keep up with me intellectually as well as physically.

I want to find someone I like as much as I like myself.  And I don't think there's anything wrong with that.  It just may take a while to find.

In the meantime, I'll probably kiss some frogs. That's okay, too.  I toad you that I wasn't hard to get.