Rage

 

I would like to think this rage began in November

But it was here all along

It lives deep within me, like magma boiling below the Earth’s crust

It may lie dormant for a time

But eventually it bursts out of me, a volcanic eruption that I cannot seem to control

So often leaving me feeling ashamed and repentant

But you can’t stuff the lava back into the volcano

And even if you could, it has already burnt everyone around you

Like the volcanic crater, I am left singed and scarred inside where no one can see

And the ashes will continue to darken my skies for a long time to come

 Innocence

 

When you said that I was innocent

I wanted nothing more than to prove you wrong

I thought innocence was a stain that everyone could see

 

Only when it was truly gone did I realize

Innocence is what draws unicorns to you

But also predators

Cassandra

I told you not to let that fucking horse inside the gate

But, as usual, you refused to believe what was so obvious

Now you’re celebrating your own stupidity while the enemy walks out in plain view

I don’t know at this point whether to laugh or cry

I saw it all coming

I see it all coming

You will laugh up to the moment they slit your throat

I can already see the shock in your eyes

While your friends look away to avoid seeing your fate

To avoid acknowledging what awaits them

I see it all coming 

I’ve seen it all coming

I’m wearing Apollo’s snakes like earrings while you

are laughing at my predictions and

Preparing to feast on the tears of those you think will righteously suffer

Not seeing the snare that awaits you outside your front door

I see it coming

I see it all coming

I understand what it means that my body is no longer my own

But you think you will still own yours

I almost feel bad for the moment you will learn otherwise

If one of us falls, all of us fall

I see it coming

I see it coming for you

I see it coming for us all

Musings from my Couch during a Pandemic

If variety is the spice of life, we are all living some bland lives right now.  No wonder people are
losing it. 
Seriously, humans are built to crave new experiences. We all have the need for adventure,
however small those adventures may be. This innate curiosity and drive to explore is what has
led to some of the greatest discoveries of mankind.

It doesn’t help us much in our current circumstances, though.

For some people, the Pandemic itself was novelty enough...at least at first.  Our daily lives
were interrupted.  We had to stock up on necessities and plan for a lasting isolation and people
got right on board with that.  There were shortages of toilet paper and hand sanitizer as
everyone flocked to the grocery stores to make sure they had enough.

Then there was the mask-making.  Anyone who could sew had a job and a purpose.  Skills that
had seemed undervalued just a short time ago were suddenly needed, as were all those
fabric scraps no one knew what to do with.

Many people suddenly found themselves out of work, maybe for the first time in their lives. 
All those projects that had been put on the back burner because there was never time to
get to them finally could be done.

Still others found themselves learning to be teachers to their children, struggling to keep their kids
focused and to help them understand math that had changed considerably since the new
teachers had been students.

For those workers deemed essential, some are fortunate to be able to work from home (like me)
while others are forced to put themselves in a potentially dangerous situation every day just to
earn a paycheck. Either way, there’s not much in the way of entertainment to be had
at the end of the day.

No matter what your circumstances, I think it’s safe to say the novelty has worn off.  People are
bored with the monotony of Pandemic life, and boredom is a very dangerous thing to humans.

There is an old adage that idle hands are the devil’s playthings. There is a reason for that.

Humans don’t do well when every day looks much like the one before it.  We need something
to look forward to.  We need something different to happen.  And just as children will act out
and behave badly to get attention, adults will often make poor decisions just to change things up.

If you’ve ever read a book by Chuck Palahniuk, you know what I’m talking about.

Everyone is bored.  Everyone’s life has been upturned. Everyone has been inconvenienced in some
way.  We all have different levels of tolerance for disappointment and boredom, just as we all have
different ways of coping with the anxiety and fear that comes along with all of this.

If you are feeling the need to run, screaming and maskless, into a crowd of people...you are not alone. 
You are not crazy. 

Humans are programmed to act.  When there is a problem, we go out and look for a solution. 
We do something to fix the problem.  We improvise.  We learn.  We create.

We are now being asked to sit and wait.  To be patient.  To do nothing.  On the surface, this
sounds easy.  Just sit there.  Watch TV.  Read a book.  Go for a walk.  What could be simpler?

As it turns out, it’s not that easy.

It goes against human nature to do nothing, especially in the face of danger, and right now there is
danger all around us.  Danger of getting sick, or of losing loved ones.  Danger of not being able to pay
bills and support ourselves.  Danger of losing the things we have spent a lifetime building.

It’s natural to panic.  It’s natural to try to make something happen, to grasp at solutions and
even to leap in the wrong direction like a squirrel zig-zagging across a highway. 
But don’t be the squirrel. Don’t end up splattered on the pavement.

Take a deep breath. Remind yourself that this too shall pass.

I could give you a list of creative ways to pass the time, but I’m sure you’ve come up with your own
ideas and possibly run out and started over two or three times by now.  I’m not here to preach, just to
remind you that sometimes what is in our nature does not serve our best interest.  We will get through
this.

And here’s what I’ve got planned for today:  

1. Do a little writing.  -Check that off my list.  Whew!

2. Charge my earbuds so I can go for a walk.  -Charging as I write.  This is great! 
Look at me doing stuff!

3. Listen to the birds.  - I have the sliding door open even though it’s chilly out.  I love just sitting
in the quiet and listening to the birds.  

4. Make some masks.  Masks will be part of our fashion for a while now, so I may as well
make myself some fun ones.  Maybe I’ll even do a fashion show for my Facebook friends when
I get them done.  Maybe my Facebook friends will do it, too.  That would be fun, if we all had
little fashion shows from our own homes, like when we were kids and would play dress-up and
march out in the living room for our parents to admire our newest creations…

5. Make a top secret project that I want to give to someone as a gift but I don’t know if I can pull it
off or not so I don’t want to say anything about it yet...but it’s rattling around in my brain.

6. Go for a walk.  My ankle is still unstable and I really want to hike this summer.  I need to start
moving.  Period.

7. Make bread.  To be honest, I say this to myself every day and then don’t do it.  I love homemade
bread but I am lazy.

8. Read. I read Wool by Hugh Howey recently and I really liked it so I bought Shift, the next
book in the series, but I haven’t had a chance to read much of it yet.  Hoping to get into it more
this weekend.

9. Scour Facebook for funny memes to share with my friends.  Let’s face it.  This is what I
waste most of my time doing.

10. Try to get pictures of the birds in my backyard.  Why are the Robins the only ones
willing to pose?  And why am I so disinterested in Robins?

11.  Write and illustrate a children’s book. My friend Anthony LaFauci just did it and his
version of the Three Little Pigs is available on Amazon.  It’s really well done.  You should buy it.
I’ve had an original children’s book idea rattling around in my brain for literally years and
haven’t done anything with it.  Now he has inspired me and maybe I will finally get around
to doing it.

12. Edit some of my friend Lee Gooden’s writing that he sent to me about 100 years ago
that I haven’t gotten around to doing yet.  It’s still at the top of my unread emails, mocking me,
making me feel increasingly guilty every time I delete all my spam emails and see his name
in bold...lurking...staring me down…

13. Edit some pictures for my dad.

14. Edit some pictures for my Planet Jodi page and load up next week’s posts.  If you aren’t
following Planet Jodi yet,  why not?  I like it when people like my photography.  Is that so
wrong?  I’m kinda like Tinkerbell like that.  I just need a little encouragement sometimes.
Besides, it gives me an excuse to relive some of my favorite travel memories.

15. Plan all the vacations I will take someday in the future when we can all travel freely again.
I love making travel plans and there are still a lot of places in the world I need to see!

I’m sure I won’t do most of these things and that I will do a lot of nothing, but you never know. 
Today could be the day!

Whatever you choose to do with your day, be safe and make good choices so we can all enjoy
tomorrow together!

Pan(dem)ic



I go for a walk

Trying to clear my head and air out these winterized bones

I watch the ducks floating along the stream beside the path

They are calm, peaceful, letting the water glide over their feathers

And I am like a duck, letting all this slide off me

Continuing along my path, untroubled

But I’m not untroubled

Because yesterday’s troubles still haven’t gone

And today the world has turned inside out

And I walk along, trying to maintain normalcy somehow

And a man jogs past and I wave

Even as I hold my breath, knowing it’s senseless

But each time I pass someone I do it anyway

Wave and hold my breath until they pass

And I think of the ducks and I tell myself to be calm

Just let it all float past

But my ankle aches, and I worry

I watch my footing carefully

What if I fell?  What if I broke my ankle and had to go to the hospital?

It’s not safe

Nothing is safe

And I think of the ducks

And I think of them furiously paddling beneath the calm surface of the water

And I am like a duck

Trying to keep calm outwardly while inside I am paddling furiously

Just trying to stay afloat

New Year's Day

It's been a good year.

It seems strange to say that. I still have issues with trust. I still find it hard to believe that the Universe won't take away everything I love any minute. Experience has taught me that nothing lasts. Maybe that's why I treasure this life so much.

Last year I began a journey of hope. I let people in to my heart and, just like the Grinch, my heart grew to fit them all. That's what love does, it expands. It multiplies. It sometimes hurts and it sometimes makes you laugh with happiness, but it is there below the surface of everything you touch, coloring every experience.

I have so much to lose.

Last year at this time, I hoped for peace within myself.  I hoped to learn to sleep beside someone special and to enjoy the quiet times with him.

I got what I wanted. I like hearing him breathing beside me when I wake in the dark of the night. I like stretching my hand out and resting it against his back, feeling his warmth, and drifting off to sleep. I like the times we just sit in the living room and watch TV or fall asleep to a movie together. I like doing mundane tasks with him...cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, anything that makes me feel we are working toward a common goal together, however small that goal might be.

And then there is this family, this amazing family of his, who have allowed me to become a part of their lives.

Words fail me.

The word "love" is not enough.

I have so much.  I've gained so much.  And I still want so much more.

So this year, I hope to learn to trust.  I hope to overcome my fear and stop living every moment just trying to hold on to what I have. I hope to stretch more, to grow more, to love more, to dare more...to ask for more...to give more.

And to find the words.

You Held Me